Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse