[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”