Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that