The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.