Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
We’ve come full circle
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*orders delivery*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks