I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose