A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes