Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You Might Also Like
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
He’s cranky this morning
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.