Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words