conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here