It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books