This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
thanks auntie mary
Social distancing in Australia:
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed