Meme Monday.
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Only Americans understand
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.