I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.