I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
This is me
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I missed you with all my darts
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel