David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.