According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Taking phone security to the next level.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?