[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter