the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”