“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.