God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
road rage
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
saw this in a dream
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.