If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You Might Also Like
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope