my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone