SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*serious situation*
My brain:
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.