*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
…u ok Nintendo?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.