God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
You Might Also Like
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
A great tip. #CakeRex
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.