Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
What number SPF blocks people?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”