Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
happy mother’s day❤️
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
being a writer on Twitter:
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
moms in horror movies
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄