God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.