Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
🙄😏😂🤣
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
This rocks
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.