I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Taliband