side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.