Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]