Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults