Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*