[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu