Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
me when the borders lift
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
stop
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.