You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out