me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
San Francisco has too many rules
I wish this was real life…
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.