These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.