Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.