Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.