Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
✌️
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.