Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
October already? What’s next? November????
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.