You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
You Might Also Like
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle