[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Sunday
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.