You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
This sounds bad:
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.