Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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My five year plan is a meteorite
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.