You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
ACED my prostate exam!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow