Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
You Might Also Like
*weighs self after shaving
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
X-tra spooky blend
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
sensitive skin
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.